today is the first day of the rest of my life...

nothing special happened today. it seems as though nothing special happens any day. have i used all of the special that I was allotted for this lifetime? now I'm out and it seems as though nothing seems to be going well. this has been the worst year of my life, bottom line. I've been through it all....death, unemployment, heartbreak. i used to pride myself on my strength and my unfailing ability to bounce back when life took a turn for the worst. and now when i need that strength more than anything, it is no where to be found. i know what my problem is, but its so hard to face it.

i used to love getting dressed up, throwing on a pair of designer jeans that made my but look amazing, and going out for a night on the town with my girls. and we were not just weekend warriors, we were out 4-6 nights a week drinking, flirting with boys, and dancing in a circle around our purses until the wee hours of the night. now it is next to impossible for me to get out of bed and get dressed. i just want to watch tv and hang out with my dogs. the only time i leave the house is when i go to work, and i like it like that. i guess if i'm even cable of liking anything anymore.

i know that i'm depressed. i know that i have a subsance abuse problem that is barely kept under control. i know that i am disappointed and utterly disgusted with what i have accomplished thus far. i am closer to 30 than i am to 20, and with the passing of each day, i am beginning to give up on the idea of the American Dream: a great marriage with 2.5 kids, a beautiful house with a white picket fence, and a dog. i may not get married and i may never have children, which is probably not the worst thing in the world. i do not have the patience for a screaming 4 month old in the middle of the night.

being a single girl in a small southern town is much, much harder than if i lived further north of the mason dixon line. there is so much pressure to get married and have kids, and i am in no hurry to do that. in the south, people start getting married way too early in life, and then end up getting divorced before they even make it to their five year anniversary. i do not ever want to get divorced, and its not for any moral reason. i can't handle rejection, and i fall to pieces now during a break up. i can't imagine how awful i would feel after my marriage failed.